‘When You Care’: Review and Bookclub discussion with author Elissa Strauss
We were lucky to meet in person with Elissa for a conversation about her latest book ‘When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others’.
Elissa invites her readers to rethink their relationship to care, and how we talk about it.
Care is often described as drudgery work, best outsourced to those less privileged than us so we can focus on careers and creative endeavors. She also invites us to reconsider this relationship, and to recognize how care is at the center of the human experience. What would the world look like if we were concerned about developing our ability to take care? If we recognize how it brings meaning to our lives, and how challenging it is spiritually and intellectually?
Care has largely been ignored until recently, and carers, who are primarily women, invisibilized behind “glass doors”:
“Women don’t just live under glass ceilings. They also live behind ‘glass doors’ [...] invisible barriers standing in the way of women’s full expression of self and full participation in society. we will never value care, we will never solve the riddle that is feminism plus caregiving, until we smash them. ”
In our conversation, Elissa read a passage of the introduction of her book, setting the context of her analysis. In her own words:
“What I am asking for here isn’t for us to deny women the power of going away or to deny the difficulties of care, but for us to see both going away and staying home as sometimes challenging, potentially life-changing experiences. What I want is for someone to also describe a picture of a woman doing care as “an image about power, about freedom, about trusting oneself.”
Our conversation kept returning to the possibilities that would open to us if we were more open to finding pleasure in providing care. Which is not to deny the difficulties of caring, or the economic inequalities that constrain caregivers’ choices about engaging in work. Nor a longing for a fantasized past where care was better prioritized. It is very recent for parents especially to be able to set their own standards of care, notably by choosing the number of kids they are able to take care of well.
When asked about how she connected and reconciled her motherhood with her creative practice, and how she wrote the book itself, Elissa had some helpful advice for the few writers in the room. First and foremost, she noted the ability to carve time for oneself alone to be able to do the work. She also acknowledged that the project took some time to mature, and that she was able to bring it to fruition about five years after her second child was born. The skillset she developed during her writer career prior to having children were also instrumental to having the discipline, except this time it was to serve her own project. When asked about more tactical and mindset habits to bring creativity to life, Elissa really believed in this idea of ‘just getting started’ regardless of the quality, but rather as a way to kickstart momentum and get going, which can be a pitfall for caregivers responsible for endless domestic activities.
As the discussion moved to some of the current controversies surrounding ‘tradwives’ and the idealized images of care they share, raising questions about disentangling choice and gendered conditioning in providing care, Elissa had some insightful perspective. She noted that one of the hardest challenges women face in a patriarchal culture is the reflex to doubt and need to question their own agency. It is very difficult to know whether, for example, we are baking special cookies with our kids because we feel expected to do it, or want to do it. There is nothing inherently wrong or oppressive about such labor, labor that makes the world a better place一the problem is when women are coerced into doing it and it comes at the cost of their financial and political agency. There’s no denying that the work of care is shaped by inequalities of class, gender and race. But it can still be meaningful and insightful. It’s also core to thriving communities and an important topic regardless of political orientation.
This two hour conversation could have lasted much longer, and explored how better caring for people and things can help our children prepare for a world world where sustainability is a key challenge. For a long time we saw both the earth’s natural resources and a mother’s energy and time as infinite resources that needed neither investment or support. Now we know we need to fundamentally rethink our relationship with both, which are precious resources--and necessary for our existence. The book also does a great job at laying out the daily aspects and history of care in our society and provides an entry to the study of care ethics.
This was both a lovely, challenging and energizing discussion. Until next time: take good care and tend to your creativity!
You can follow Elissa’s work through her Substack ‘Made with Care’ or on IG.
